Mesha Kussman

When my baby was born breech, the pediatrician was keen to check her hips for hip dysplasia, and indeed she did have it. We had her in harnesses at night and then during the day too, and then she had to have a closed reduction surgery to relocate the femur bone into the hip socket. It was all very scary for me and for my husband, though my daughter who was going through all this seemed quite happy, she was none the wiser! The cast for 6 weeks after surgery was hard too. All these devices kept me from being able to be CLOSE to my little squishy. And I had a lot of broken expectations about what our time together once she was out of my womb would be like. The whole thing, to be honest, sent me on an existential quest. To try and make sense of why this was happening to us and how I could ever live my life in the same way again. I had to ask myself what was my purpose in life, how do I keep my mind from negativity? Can the mind be trusted? Is there a ‘grand plan’? If not, what do I do about it? I really went through the valley of the shadow of darkness in my own mind and my well-being was tested! As an artist, I felt that I might be able to use expression to purge my demons and sort through these new obstacles. I direct films and I’m a choreographer (I choreographed Scarlett Johansson in the Coen Brother’s Hail, Caesar!). After my daughter’s surgery I decided to use my creativity in a new way. I interviewed 5 inspirational people in my life, with the burning questions I had. I recorded the calls and 2 years later made a podcast from my reflections on these meaningful conversations. By contending with my own fear, I explore where the nature of growth and the value of grief. I want to share these 5 episodes with others going through this, so I’m very grateful to share my experience here. Look for “Toward Love”, that’s the name of the podcast, wherever you listen to podcasts. Or follow @towardlove on instagram. Thankfully, my daughter is in great health now. Her hip is doing well, and she’s very agile and moving freely, pain-free. I am much stronger too, as a mama and person because of these trials. Hang in there, you will make it through.

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